Few and Far Between
by Mrs Billy Pratt
Summary: Title sucks, I know. Anyways, these are just some random drabbles that I will be randomly updating. So yeah. Rated T for paranoia.
1. Metabolism

**A/N: Just some random drabbles. This first one shall be called Metabolism.**

**No ownership, blah, blah, blah…**

_Metabolism_

Tony stared.

The plate sitting in front of him was filled with assorted breakfast foods. Six pancakes, eight waffles, five scrambled eggs and four over-easy, a saucer filled with sausages, a plate full of bacon, and finally, what looked like a gallon of orange juice.

Steve was also staring in amusement at the plate that lay before him. On it was two over-easy eggs and a couple pieces of bacon, along with a glass of orange juice and a piece of toast.

"Can somebody please explain to me why I have twice my weight in breakfast sitting in front of me?" Tony pulled a sarcastic remark with a tired, just-woke-up-voice.

"And I ate this for a light snack yesterday," Steve started, his tired brain just putting the pieces together very slowly, "Am I having a nightmare about Clint's cooking, or did we run out of food again?"

Juliette waltzed over, a spatula sticking out of her apron and her tongue sticking out of her mouth in concentration. She grabbed Tony's very heavy plate with much difficulty and set it in front of Steve, then took Steve's plate and gave it to Tony. "There you go," she said, satisfied, and kissed Steve on the head, "sorry about the mix-up. After that last mission…my brain's been fried."

All the people at the table ate in satisfied peace for a minute, until someone (ahem, Tony) started talking. "You know, I heard that Capsicle ate more than the average man, but I didn't know you meant _that_ much." Natasha groaned. Why couldn't they just eat for once?

Juliette sighed, along with Bruce. "The super serum intensified pretty much everything in Steve's body, including—" Juliette was cut off by a very crude comment made by Tony. She, Bruce, and Steve blushed a furious color of red before Juliette continued, still faintly pink. "…including his metabolism. It increased in speed so that it was four times faster than before."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Tony interrupted. "But why _that much?_"

"He was a scrawny little git before," Jules continued, unfazed, "so his metabolism was already twice as fast as the average man, therefore making his metabolism six times faster than the average man, thus, he has to eat six times more than you do to even have energy for the day."

Clint applauded.

"How do you make that much food?" Tony asked exasperatedly.

Juliette smirked. "I was raised on a ranch with six siblings, none of whom could cook. My parents were rich snobs who didn't cook for themselves, plus I had to cook for the maids and servants, _and_ the gardeners and workers and such." She walked toward the table and smirked again, sitting herself down by Steve. "Oh, yeah," she added, "I'm from Kentucky, too."

As Tony gaped at her, Steve smiled and sighed happily. "Yep," he said, "that's my girl."


	2. Awkward Situations with Loki! Part I

**A/N: I had to.**

_Awkward Situation Time with Loki! Chapter I_

Captain Rogers nodded in greeting to Natasha, whose shift was now officially over. Steve inwardly groaned. Now he had a full two to four hours of really weird baby-sitting time with the god of mischief.

And this was the highlight of his day, thanks to Tony.

He settled himself in his chair and glanced at Loki, who was kneeling in a position that made his legs look bent funny. He was faced away from the captain, which was good with him. He picked up Bruce's newspaper and started reading the comics (they're not just for kids!).

He was sitting and smiling at the peace and quiet for once when the god started singing in a melodramatic voice.

"_If I was your boyfriend…never let you go…keep you on my arm, girl…_**[don't know the words to this part…]…**_I could be a gentleman…anything you want…if I was your boyfriend…never let you go…never let you go."_

He finished his dance and faced Steve with his eyes open for the first time. Steve choked on his coffee and croaked out, "What the—_hell—_was that?"

Loki looked both angry and confused. "You're—_you're not Natasha!" _

"No! She changed shifts with me, like, two hours ago!"


	3. The Human Torch

Tony stares happily at the scene surrounding him. He and he alone, are sitting in _his _living room, relaxing on _his _couch, and reading the paper. Quiet envelopes the room, sunlight streams through the open window, revealing a pocketful of his city—New York. He sighs and notices a tiny bug crawling contentedly on his chair. Instead of gooshing it's brains out; he ignores it and drinks in the white noise, the blue waves of ocean lapping up against Lady Liberty's feet, the perfect stillness of the atmosphere. He sighs. What could break this perfect moment?

Then, Bruce and Steve came running in, Steve screaming and Bruce looking ready to Hulk out.

It took a few grouchy seconds for Tony to realize that Steve's pants were on fire and Bruce was trying to explain something to him rather sheepishly.

"Dear Lord, you're like the Human Torch!" Tony stood and examined the damage, not even pretending to put it out.

"PUT IT OUT, GODDAMMIT!" Steve screamed.

Tony sighed and asked Jarvis for a fire putter outer thingy. DUM-E came in and, for once, sprayed something that was actually on fire.

Steve stood, pants singeing, panting and patting his bottom. The smell of burning hair lingered in the air.

Tony calmly observed the scene. "You know, you kinda look like the Human Torch, too."

Steve pulled a face. "Who?" Bruce laughed at Tony's comment.

"You know, Johnny Storm." Bruce chuckled.

"Johnny who now?" Steve looked at the two men, confusion spreading over his face like butter.

"No, no, really," Tony started, looking him in the face. "What's the name of the guy that played him in _Fantastic Four_?" Tony mused, his hand coming up to his chin. "Chris something…Chris Elroy? No…Chris…Elliot. No, that's not it…"

Bruce got a massive light bulb: "Chris Evans!"

"Yeah, that's the one!" Tony cheered brightly.

"Who Evans?" Steve grew frustrated.

Tony sucked in his cheek. "Jarvis, mirror on Capsicle, please." A mirror appeared and Steve looked at his own grumpy face. "You're lookin' at him, Pretty Boy."

Bruce and Tony laughed and made jokes about the comic book character as they walked out of the room, leaving Steve standing in the living room alone.

"Hmm," he grumbled as he walked out, "some world this place is coming to."


	4. On The Road Again

**A/N: Yeah, we all knew this was coming. Or at least I did. R&R, people. OR ELSE. MWAHAHAHAHA.**

"**You know," **said Tony cheerfully, "a great detective once said, 'I would like to apologize in advance if I blow your minds.' I really do like to live by that quote, you know." He gripped the wheel and turned around. "What about Pretty Boy?"

Steve rolled his eyes.

"That's not from a great detective;" Darcy corrected, popping her gum, "Shawn Spencer said that on an episode of Psych."

"He was still a great detective," Tony pointed out. "Fine, then. If you don't like that one, How about one from a famous philosopher: 'Sokka, wake up! There's a prickle snake in your sleeping bag!'"

"Avatar: The Last Airbender," Darcy said barely, "Aang said that in season one, episode three, The Southern Air Temple."

Tony hmphed. "What about: 'Here's the thing…," Tony shot back, thrusting his face toward the girl.

"Monk." Darcy opened up the

"Umm…or maybe, 'It appears to run on some form of electricity.'?" Tony said triumphantly.

Steve looked up. "I said that to you when you were trying to restart the Hellcarrier."

"Umm…uh…Oh! I know one! 'I feel like these flowers in this vase…he just brought 'em home one day, 'Ain't they beautiful?' he said, they're sittin'…"

Darcy cut him off. "Miranda Lambert, Dead Flowers. You're stooping pretty low, now."

"I'm running out of ideas!" Tony screeched.

"But Miranda Lambert?" Steve tsked. "That's pretty sad."

"You don't even know who that is." Tony threw a piece of plastic from the portable DVD player at the war hero.

Steve blushed. "Well," he stumbled, "Juliette listens to that song on her iPod and, um, I borrowed it once, and, um…yeah."

Tony and Darcy _and _Jane stared at him. "Ever heard of Bruce Springsteen?" Tony smirked.

"Anyways." Darcy punched Tony in the arm.

"Ouch!" Tony grimaced. "Fine! Here's one: 'I said something really smart like, "This forest is under my protection! You won't start any battles here!"'

Jane sighed from the back seat. "Percy Jackson and the Olympians, the Last Olympian, chapter seven, page 114. Grover Underwood says that to Percy when explaining his disappearance for the previous two months."

Tony frowned. "Okay…how about: 'I'm so smart you be _whooshin' _you were me!'"

"Billy Pratt said that in Sammy Keyes and the Power of Justice Jack." Darcy slugged his arm again. "Do the world a favor and shut up."

Tony pulled a grumpy face and everyone sighed. Steve sat back and closed his eyes, preparing to sleep until they got to wherever Tony was taking them.

Then Tony got an evil grin on his face. "Hey."

Steve heard, but kept his eyes shut.

"Hey. Hey, hey, Steve. Steve."

He squeezed his eyes tighter and breathed hard out his nose.

"Steve. Hey Steve. Hey, Steve. Hey. Hey, Steve. Hey. Hey Steve. Steve! Steve!"

He put his hands over his ears.

"STEVE. HEY STEVE, STEVE, HEY. STEVE! STEVE. HEY STEVE!"

Finally he couldn't take it anymore. "What?!" he yelled, sitting up.

Tony grinned at him through the rear-view mirror. "Hi."


End file.
